I have spent some time in the wilderness in my life. One might argue that the present is a wilderness time for me, considering the extended period of unemployment I am enduring and the repeated rejections I have experienced in my job search (I got another one this week). But for whatever reason, I don’t feel as though I am wandering in the wilderness at present. I have a sense of calm and assurance in spite of my circumstances. I feel confident in my status as a beloved child of God, and let me assure you that has not always been the case. I feel that I am one of the “redeemed of the Lord.”
The writer of Psalm 107 says, “Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story” (v. 2), and that is pretty good advice for anyone who is going through difficult times. So here’s at least part of my story of redemption.
When I was in seventh grade I had some experiences that led me to believe that God was calling me into vocational ministry. Around the same time I was suffering some pretty severe emotional trauma at the hands of an abusive parent. It was a tale that would repeat through much of my life: the juxtaposition of God’s nurture and my own crushing self-doubt. As God was calling my name in love, my father’s hurtful words and actions were causing me to question whether I was worthy of any kind of love. I can trace the roots of the depression and spiritual turmoil that have hounded me for four decades to this period of my life.
When you are hurt by someone you should have been able to trust, it messes with not only your mind but also your soul. And because of our tendency to project our experiences with our parents onto our relationship with God, parenting that is less than healthy can distort our image of the divine in profoundly harmful ways. I have written before about the repercussions of my mental image of God as a vindictive judge more inclined to punishment than grace. It has been a lifelong struggle for me to try to find healing for that misperception of God.
I don’t want to make any premature claims to having decisively overcome that distorted understanding of God, because I know from experience just how pernicious it can be. But I can say with some confidence that my picture of God is much healthier now than it has been in the past. Perhaps that is why I have not interpreted my rejection by ever-more-numerous search committees and hiring agents as a concomitant rejection by God. I am learning to trust that God’s opinion of me does not depend on my “success.” God’s affirmation is unequivocal; it is not connected in any way to the decisions of various churches and organizations not to select me as their leader.
If I had to pinpoint the reasons for this new sense of confidence, I could name several. I could point to the good effects of my practice of centering prayer, the work I have done in psychotherapy, and my doctors’ success in settling on an effective medication regime to combat my depressive tendencies and adjust my brain chemistry. I would also give a lot of credit to the unconditional love I have received from several people in my life, most notably my wife Sarah, and the gracious support and prayers of other friends and family members. To use the language of the psalmist, however, I would have to say that the spiritual and emotional progress I have made in the past few years boils down to this: I have realized that I am one of the redeemed of the Lord.
I hope you are, too, and I encourage you to follow the advice of the psalmist and tell your story. Who knows but that it may make a big difference in somebody else’s life, not to mention your own?